when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
