Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Randomize
