don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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