I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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