Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
