i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
