DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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