Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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