I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
