i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
