4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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