I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Randomize
