He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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