What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
