Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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