Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize