I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
