So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
