I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
