i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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