I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
