you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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