Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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