Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
