sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
This house was built for laser tag.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
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