Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
