my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
you inspire me to be a worse person
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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