now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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