my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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