i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
