Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
