you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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