I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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