then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
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