Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
