Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Randomize
