please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
