Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
