So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
