I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
