drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I love you. Go after that dick
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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