I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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