listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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