Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
