im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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