I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
