I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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