Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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