people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
