I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
