there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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