I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
