Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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