Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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