It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
