I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
