I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Randomize