He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
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