I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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