You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Randomize
