Whod you bang
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
