I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
