What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Randomize
